Attitude of Gratitude (12-Pack Guarantee)

There’s a few sayings that inspired this song.  “The pen is mightier than the sword.” “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”  “God, don’t grant me luck, grant me timing.” Well, those and many more like them are all true, no doubt.  Maybe there’s a slogan that sums it up best.  That’s why I call this number,

Attitude of Gratitude (or 12-pack Guarantee)

I know and love his heart and his integrity

My time with him I took the bitter with the sweet

I love his heart, his soul his life

And I pity his new wife

She’s a walkin’ talkin’ 12-pack guarantee

He’s a good man like my daddy showed could be

When he wants to be the man he wants to be

He chose Bud Light over me

That’s when I refused to be

His walkin’ talkin’ 12 pack guarantee

Now I’m not being mean, that woman surely knows

From her tipsy frosted head down to her toes

It’s her job at Dairy Queen            

That fills his Jeep with gasoline     
She pays the trailer rent and light
The neighbors’ cars wake ‘em up at night
Her job’s a walkin’ talkin’ 12-pack guarantee

His Gifts of Venus can make any woman gasp

But barley brews keep it lowered to half mast

On the night they’re newly wed    

She’ll need the bunny in her bed
She’ll need more than a broom
To get the groom outta his own room
She’s just his walkin’ talkin’ 12-pack guarantee

[Slowly, with great feeling, like a hymn or gospel song…]

Now we’ve both said all there is to be said

To our waters we have both been surely led

He married beer and bread and board

Now it’s half his says the law and Lord

He’s got his walkin’ talkin’ 12-pack guarantee

I may have gone from debutante to double wide

That never hurt my love for me, just my pride

I miss the good man at my side

So strong and safe, he was my guide

But I’m no walkin’ talkin’ 12-pack guarantee

She’s his walkin’ talkin’ ice cream hawkin’
Bet my talkin’s set her sister squakin’

Better her than me…
She’s his walkin’ talkin’ 12 pack guarantee


Copyright 2011 Moira A Toner 

How to communicate with The Recessed: Humor

Let's say your friend, Bob, is recently widowed.  Today, you heard a great joke that has to do with husbands and wives.  Tonight, Bob calls you on the phone.  Do you share with him the joke you heard today? Of course not.


Please extend the same courtesy to The Recessed.  It may require a bit of forethought on your part since topics painful to The Recessed are not as sharply defined as those recently widowed, divorced, separated, etc.  I'm not going to attempt to list all of the topics, you're going to have to listen to The Recessed in your world and answer that one yourself.  I will, however, share an experience that illustrates the point.


One recent evening, my mind, body, soul and cat were firmly in the crucible's grip.  My water was being shut off the next day, which to my mind meant tomorrow might be the day I have to leave my home.  In other words, it was Homelessness Eve.  That night, I was talking on the phone with a friend and I cracked.  She said something along the lines of "Don't give up" and snapped about not having anything more to try and that in my world giving up meant death so of course I can't give up, and how about saying something useful.  I hung up on her.  OK, maybe my response was understandable all things considered.  It was still inappropriate and sub-consciously an attempt to pass on or force sharing of responsibility for my crap.


The next day, we communicated and forgave via the safety of written words.  Immediately following her first written response to me, she sent an email with the subject line "FW: Piss Poor."  I suspected it was one of her scorpion stings (not a criticism, we all have our natural and good defenses), so I did not look at it until the next day.  Sure enough, it was one of those "funny" emails that has been forwarded ad nauseum, this one was about the origins of common phrases and the first several were about being poor.  Apparently being "piss poor" comes from people who were so poor they saved/collected urine and sold it to tanneries.


I have a good sense of humor, and since my sense of my friend had me hold a day on reading the email, I was in a better frame of mind and was ready for the humor.  I was not ready for the scorpion's tail which read, "I can't help it, it had to do with water..."  This told me she knew fine full and well that it was inappropriate, and that the words she forwarded, if read, were going to hurt, offend, rub salt into the wound or otherwise inflict pain.  They did.  In the context of forgiveness, I wrote back "I'm selling.  Who's buying?"  It was my best attempt at an appropriately humorous response that did not acknowledge the pain, feed my shame or dishonor the forgiveness we had already transacted.  


My take-away was that I had hurt or frightened her on a very deep core level, and that level felt it necessary to return the favor despite the higher road of forgiveness we'd already taken.  No problem.  Understood.  We're human and that's what we do.  I commit to learning more about how I hurt people so that I can do it less. 


Post-it take-aways for you: 

• If you aren't certain if it will offend, don't.
• If you hesitate before clicking "Send," don't.  
• If you do it anyway, own the result.

Suggested Alternative: Instead, ask "Are you ready for a bit of humor about your situation?" or something of the sort.

HuffPost perspective that changed my mind

This post by Arianna Huffington changed my mind. I'm on the cusp of foreclosure and homelessness. I do not have children, and during angry moments I have railed against rules, procedures and people that grant resource preference to men/women with children. And the elderly.  And veterans. And college grads.  You get the idea.  Easy to do when anger rules the moment.  This post delivers needed dimension and reminds me that yes, by my nature and choice I will--without hesitation--step aside for any child's benefit and step between any threat to any child.

One comment on mediation (topic in linked post). Great idea, great program, I'm sure. My mortgage company's attorney offered me a conciliation conference call which my (nonexistent) lawyer could join.  There's a big difference between mediation and conciliation. Or arbitration for that matter. All necessitate legal representation. I do not have $2K to give to an attorney. This is a civil matter, so I am not entitled to legal representation under the constitution. Do Gov-funded mediation programs offer legal assistance to mortgagees? If not, is it right that we don't, given that mortgagees tend to be the very people that are building our community?  Just a thought.