How to communicate with The Recessed: Humor

Let's say your friend, Bob, is recently widowed.  Today, you heard a great joke that has to do with husbands and wives.  Tonight, Bob calls you on the phone.  Do you share with him the joke you heard today? Of course not.


Please extend the same courtesy to The Recessed.  It may require a bit of forethought on your part since topics painful to The Recessed are not as sharply defined as those recently widowed, divorced, separated, etc.  I'm not going to attempt to list all of the topics, you're going to have to listen to The Recessed in your world and answer that one yourself.  I will, however, share an experience that illustrates the point.


One recent evening, my mind, body, soul and cat were firmly in the crucible's grip.  My water was being shut off the next day, which to my mind meant tomorrow might be the day I have to leave my home.  In other words, it was Homelessness Eve.  That night, I was talking on the phone with a friend and I cracked.  She said something along the lines of "Don't give up" and snapped about not having anything more to try and that in my world giving up meant death so of course I can't give up, and how about saying something useful.  I hung up on her.  OK, maybe my response was understandable all things considered.  It was still inappropriate and sub-consciously an attempt to pass on or force sharing of responsibility for my crap.


The next day, we communicated and forgave via the safety of written words.  Immediately following her first written response to me, she sent an email with the subject line "FW: Piss Poor."  I suspected it was one of her scorpion stings (not a criticism, we all have our natural and good defenses), so I did not look at it until the next day.  Sure enough, it was one of those "funny" emails that has been forwarded ad nauseum, this one was about the origins of common phrases and the first several were about being poor.  Apparently being "piss poor" comes from people who were so poor they saved/collected urine and sold it to tanneries.


I have a good sense of humor, and since my sense of my friend had me hold a day on reading the email, I was in a better frame of mind and was ready for the humor.  I was not ready for the scorpion's tail which read, "I can't help it, it had to do with water..."  This told me she knew fine full and well that it was inappropriate, and that the words she forwarded, if read, were going to hurt, offend, rub salt into the wound or otherwise inflict pain.  They did.  In the context of forgiveness, I wrote back "I'm selling.  Who's buying?"  It was my best attempt at an appropriately humorous response that did not acknowledge the pain, feed my shame or dishonor the forgiveness we had already transacted.  


My take-away was that I had hurt or frightened her on a very deep core level, and that level felt it necessary to return the favor despite the higher road of forgiveness we'd already taken.  No problem.  Understood.  We're human and that's what we do.  I commit to learning more about how I hurt people so that I can do it less. 


Post-it take-aways for you: 

• If you aren't certain if it will offend, don't.
• If you hesitate before clicking "Send," don't.  
• If you do it anyway, own the result.

Suggested Alternative: Instead, ask "Are you ready for a bit of humor about your situation?" or something of the sort.

HuffPost perspective that changed my mind

This post by Arianna Huffington changed my mind. I'm on the cusp of foreclosure and homelessness. I do not have children, and during angry moments I have railed against rules, procedures and people that grant resource preference to men/women with children. And the elderly.  And veterans. And college grads.  You get the idea.  Easy to do when anger rules the moment.  This post delivers needed dimension and reminds me that yes, by my nature and choice I will--without hesitation--step aside for any child's benefit and step between any threat to any child.

One comment on mediation (topic in linked post). Great idea, great program, I'm sure. My mortgage company's attorney offered me a conciliation conference call which my (nonexistent) lawyer could join.  There's a big difference between mediation and conciliation. Or arbitration for that matter. All necessitate legal representation. I do not have $2K to give to an attorney. This is a civil matter, so I am not entitled to legal representation under the constitution. Do Gov-funded mediation programs offer legal assistance to mortgagees? If not, is it right that we don't, given that mortgagees tend to be the very people that are building our community?  Just a thought.

NIMBYs vs. NoMBYs

Forum response to Sacramento's mayor to keep pushing for homeless campground

I have a sneaking suspicion the real fuel for this forum's angst is fear.  No one wants to face how easily NIMBYs have become NoMBYs (No More Back Yard).  No one can miss it, either.

The self-serving comments in this forum serve no one. Forget asking what happened to humanity/human kindness.  What about critical thinking? Common sense? Sigh.

New Rule: Present problems with solutions.
New Rule: Balance criticism with contribution.

Here's mine. Once upon a time (Regan era) my grandmother educated me on the "poor houses" of her own and prior generations. Not a PC term by today's standards. As she explained it there was a poor house on the outskirts of most towns. No one wanted to live there, but when the need arose the roof was there. The community directed resources to poor houses, and hired labor from them. Town secular and civic interests provided stewardship.

I'm sure the solution was far from ideal.  By her first-hand experience, my grandmother described it as an ongoing solution for an issue that has been around since the dawn of human economy. Solution for today? Doubtful. Experience to harvest? Absolutely. What other knowledge is sitting

Gibran wrote "And before you leave the market place, see that no one has gone his way with empty hands.  For the master spirit of the earth shall not sleep peacefully upon the wind til the needs of the least of you are satisfied."  It's good business, good for the economy.

My Latest Mortgage Hardship Letter

28 July 2010

[addressee and account information redacted for web publication] 

Dear Ms. XXXX

I purchased my home the afternoon of October 31^st, 1999.  Its condition was worse than the worst of “Hoarders” but it was structurally sound.  And at least, as of Halloween 1999, it was empty of everything but my desire for a home.  So I went out that afternoon and quickly purchased a few decorations, luminaries, candles, and a small truckload of candy.  I managed to get everything in place before the first trick-or-treaters toddled up my driveway, and over the course of that evening I met my neighbors.  They had no idea the place had sold.  They were thrilled, and I discovered that while I purchased a house, I had indeed found my heart’s desire—a home. 

I made that purchase entirely on my own with money I earned and saved.  Since then, as you know, our country has experienced one the biggest housing market crashes in history. This, combined with unemployment and rising costs has affected my ability to pay my bills on time. 

I am a poster child for this economic recession in every way.  With this letter and the enclosures, I’ll share the details.  In short, I am now 47, I’ve never married, I have no children, and my only remaining family is a sister near Chicago.  I want you to know that my home is my foundation—my underpinning—and as such has a place of significance in my life that I do not want to lose. 

In the past two years, I have pulled out of foreclosure twice.  My mortgage was current in December.  I will do it again, and it will hold.  I am fighting every day to recover in every way.  It is my absolute intention to save and keep my home.  The only missing ingredient is immediate money.  It will come back, and I look to every day as the day of turnaround.

Thank you for this opportunity to re-present my financial situation to PHH.  My past attempts were fruitless.  Last fall, when I was working in a hotel laundry room, I didn’t make enough to qualify for loan modification.  By the time that job ended, I became unemployed and re-applied for the PHH unemployment forbearance program, the program had.  I wish I were in a position to say something significant has changed, and I remain hopeful that tomorrow will be the day.

Ms. XXXX, I don’t know what all of the options or topics are right now.  I do know that if you want to secure your investment value in this house—my home—your best bet is me.  Your forms and my financial details are enclosed with this letter. I truly appreciate any effort you can make to help me get to the other side of this situation with my home intact.

Sincerely,

[PII redacted for blog publication] 

Attachment: Financial and Related Considerations: [PII redacted for blog publication]

Second Mortgage, aka my experience with Chase’s home lending scheme (they call it sales): When I refinanced a number of years ago with PHH, my home equity line balance was zero.  I was required to go into the bank to fully close the account.  The loan officer very kindly suggested that I leave it open, since it provided $25K in credit which was great for my credit score and handy for emergencies.  I declined, since I had recently left regular employment to start a micro-business as “time off” from corporate life.  She then strongly encouraged me to keep the credit line open, since my income would be dropping sharply and I might not be able to get it later if I needed it.  I informed her that my income might reach $20K that year if I was lucky, and I had other savings to draw on if the need arose.  She was persuasive, so I agreed to leave the account open.  She then encouraged me to increase the credit line, just in case, and reminded me that there was no cost for having the credit available.  I left that afternoon with the potential for $50K in debt instead of a closed account.  I am accountable; she was doing her job, no question.  Still, I’d love to get my hands on the neck of Chase bank.  

Insurance: I’m not sure what to say about Florida insurance rates.  I can say that as a direct result my foreclosure status my home insurance costs have increased by more than 50%.  I know and understand that abandoned, empty homes are an insurance risk.  And I understand that fiscal irresponsibility creates a higher risk profile for insurers.  Neither of these considerations is true for my situation.  I am living in and maintaining my home.   I am a well educated, experienced professional.  As an employee, my highest rank was Director of a Fortune 500.  As an independent consultant, as recently as 2008, I earned up to $10K per month.  Still, because of the “foreclosure” stamp my insurance costs have skyrocketed. 

Home Value: At this moment, a house that sold for $325K is on the market for $175K.  My home was at one time appraised for $235K, and now I have no real idea.  On a good day, maybe $130K, but given that there are short sales all over my neighborhood it’s hard to say.  I’d be interested to know what your experts say.

Employment: My last self-employment was $10K per month on a 5-month project that ended December 2008.  Since then, I worked for five months in a hotel laundry room and recently enjoyed a temp job with the US Census. It has enabled me to keep lights on, water running and the phone ringing.

Other Sources of Revenue: In 2007, I did secure a great house-sharing tenant. He moved on early ‘09 and I have not yet found a replacement that lasts longer than a few weeks and/or is able to pay.  If you want to hear a great story, ask me to tell you about the “Craig’s List Nightmare.’  I am still looking, relying on my interpersonal network.

Other Benefits as Revenue: I am fully unemployed; I did/do not qualify for unemployment benefits.  I do receive $200 per month in food stamps.  I am both looking for work and working on creating my own work.  Whatever work works works for me. 

Heath Care: One good thing about foreclosure status is that I recently qualified to receive 60 days health care from the Sarasota County Health Department, which allowed me to see a doctor for the first time in three years.  Fortunately, my general health is excellent and I learned that there are no signs of my major concern, hereditary atrial fibrillation which started with 3 immediate family members at age 47.  Whew (for now)!  I was able to get my antidepressant prescription re-written, and am holding steady.  Clinical Depression is a gift I did inherit.  While it has been a factor most of my life, the past four years (possibly because of hormone and or life changes) it has been a critical struggle.  I can provide details on how depression impacted my lifecycle, finances and other responsibilities upon request.

Taxes:  The bad news is that my state of mind/mental health led to a multi-year backlog of IRS filing and payment.  The good news is that filing is current, and my only remaining task is to prepare and file amended prior year returns after reviewing business expenses for qualified itemizations.  The enclosed 2009 1040X shows a significant refund amount due.  The IRS will apply my 2009 refund and unpaid stimulus checks (2) toward payment of prior year income taxes.  As of yesterday afternoon, the IRS had not yet received the 1040X form.  I need to go into the local tax office and give them a copy.  At that point I will get some sort of receipt.   Note:  Quicken waived the charge for my 2009 tax prep software, after I called, explained hardship and asked for help.  Wasn’t that nice?

One question for you: This weekend, your photographer (who did not have a card or any identity to leave me, could only show me a logo taped to the back of his clipboard) took several pictures of one garden area that looked positively awful because it recently been treated with weed killer. Can you tell my why?  I’m hoping that the close-ups he shot are intended to show drought-tolerant garden care, not neglect. 

• If yes, you’ll notice the care I took to treat the weeds surrounding the two succulent varieties that I have been nurturing for 6 months (front of garden plot) and 3 months (back of garden plot), respectively.  It takes 5-7 days for the weed killer to fully work, so he certainly did catch that plot on a bad day! 
• If no, and his photos were instead meant to show property distress, I hope he balanced the bad with the good.  For example, the Crepe Myrtle is putting on a brilliant show of deep magenta blooms this year.  The bougainvillea has come back from an unusually hot and dry spring, not to mention the damage I did when I cut out the oak saplings that had grown out of a stump cut last fall.  The two Dragon Trees (endangered plant species!) have grown from a cutting (little more than a rooted leaf!) to healthy toddlers, and my beach sunflowers have finally taken hold in the emerging butterfly garden.  The Beach Sunflower cuttings, the Porterweed and Passion Vine were the only butterfly garden plants to survive this past winter.  Fortunately last year’s Moss Roses re-seeded themselves all over the place and are beginning to form into a ground cover.   I intended for the Beach Sunflowers to provide ground cover…I think I’ll let the sunflowers and roses battle it own on their own.  

Let Go of the Rosebush.

This slogan is always good advise, and is now the basis of The Rosebush Tour.